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As Told By Patrick by Snuffi

One Part

Title: As Told By Patrick Rating: PG Pairing: Pierre/David POV: Pat! Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I don't know if Patrick like Moulin Rouge! or not. But he should, because it rocks. Well, this fic isn't very well written, it's not very funny, it's definitely not original...but I just wanted to write something from Patrick's POV. And even if it's not good, it was fun to write! He rambles a lot...and I think most of it doesn't make sense! I think he's a cross between myself and David Brent, haha...but he's basically the same as Pat in my Break Me Into Pieces story...only older...so this is dedicated to everyone who liked that Pat! :) As Told By Patrick Hello, children. It's me, your Uncle Patrick. Ha, that sounds so creepy and paedophile-ish. I wasn't joking though. It is Patrick here. Just talking to my camera again, being the sad loser that I am. If I had friends then I could talk to them instead...but I don't, so I can't. No, I'm kidding. The guys like me really. The whole 'we-hate-Patrick' thing is all just a joke. No, really, it is... Anyway, today I'm going to tell you a story. I, in my old age, have acquired many a story. Not that I'm that old; I'm not even 25 yet. But hey, that's a quarter of a century. A lot of stuff can happen in that time. A lot of stuff has happened in that time. And I have many stories to tell...stories of fighting, of laughing, of secrets, and lies, and dogs and drinks and cars and chicks and nudity. I have some stories that I can remember as clearly as if they happened yesterday, and others that can't actually remember at all, that other people have told me about afterwards...those tend to be the ones involving nudity. But this story...this story is about love. (Yes, I stole that line from Moulin Rouge! That movie rules. Call me gay. I don't care! Go on! Say it! Say, "Patrick, I can't believe you like Moulin Rouge!, you homo!") But anyway, this is the story of how I, the great Patrick, finally managed to bring together two people who were so freakin' in love but wouldn't admit it. I personally think it's one of my best stories. A modern-day Romeo and Juliet. Only, it's more a Romeo and Julien...and nobody died, thankfully. Our tale begins one year ago...if this were a movie, the screen would go all wiggly about now, and there'd be all that funny music...hey, maybe it will a movie one day. I'll write to Disney and ask if they wanna buy the rights to it. I wouldn't want any money, just free entrance to Disneyland whenever I wanted. And 24-hour fast passes. Man, I hate queues. This one time, I was queueing for Space Mountain, and this lady with like fourteen kids - who were all really ugly by the way - pushed in front of me and...oh, sorry. I'm getting distracted. Anyway, this story begins in a photographer's studio in Boston... The guys were doing a photoshoot. You know, I always thought photoshoots would take about 10 minutes; they'd just wander in, some guy would snap away for a while with his camera, and that would be that. But no; it takes forever. Maybe if the guys weren't so freakin' ugly it would be quicker...ha, no, I'm kidding. They're all good-looking guys. Personally I think I'm more attractive than all of them put together, but that's just my opinion. Well, this particular shoot seemed to last even longer than normal, as they had to get individual photos done too. I was bored, so I wandered out to the store around the corner for a while...but before I went, I left my camera in the guys' dressing room... This was my latest hobby: leaving the camera on without anyone noticing. That, you may say, was an atrocious violation of privacy and trust...well, I knew that, but I didn't really care. It was their own fault for being too dumb to realise the camera was on, and up until then, it had been a bit of a disappointment, anyway; I'd thought I would have found out something really mind-blowing about one of the guys...but it turned out that they were all really, really boring people. Either that, or there wasn't really that much I didn't know already. There was nothing of interest, anyway. I found out that Chuck prefered Stilton cheese to Brie, but I'm sure he would have told me that if I'd asked. Unless he was involved in some huge Stilton cheese heist. Maybe he was - I wouldn't put it past him. So I was getting a bit bored with my ploy, but that day, I decided to try it one last time. Before I went out, I left the camera running, carefully positioning it on a table in the corner so it had a clear view of most of the room. Then I left; and to be honest, I forgot all about it. It was a pretty normal day, and I wasn't expecting to get any incredibly interesting footage - maybe another cheese discussion at best. It was only that night, when I realised that the tape was full, that I remembered that I'd left it running. I wound the tape back and watched it from the beginning. For the first fifteen minutes or so, the room was empty, so I scanned forward until I saw two people come in; David and Pierre. At first they were close to the table, so I could only see their waists, but then they sat down on the sofa in the opposite corner and the screen showed a clear view of them. I watched them for a few minutes, but they weren't talking about anything interesting...ducks or something, I dunno. Anyway, after a while Pierre stood up; he turned around and wandered out of the room again. But that wasn't the interesting part - the interesting part was David's reaction. As Pierre walked out, I saw David's eyes drop down to his ass - it wasn't just like he was gazing at it absent-mindedly, either; he was looking at it really intently. I peered at the screen even closer, and saw that he seemed sort of upset to see Pierre go. I mean, he wasn't devastated or anything - Pierre would probably be back in about five minutes - but there was this faint look of disappointment at his departure. It was sort of strange...by this point ideas were beginning to build up in my head, but I told myself that they were crazy. David couldn't, well, like Pierre...could he? David answered my question for me; his head rolled back, leaning against the back of the sofa, his hands covered his face and he groaned. He mumbled something to himself, but I couldn't hear what he'd said; I rewound the tape back a few seconds and turned the volume right up so I could listen. "Fuck," I heard him murmur, in a voice that was so quiet it was barely audible. "I want him so fucking bad." My jaw dropped. David did like Pierre. "Holy fuck," I gasped. "That's fucking weird!" I have to admit; I did think it was really fucking weird. I mean...David...was in love with Pierre...well, maybe not in love with him, but he obviously liked him in a more-than-friends sort of way. It was just...strange. 'Maybe it's just a phase?' I suggested to myself. But that's the sort of thing that happens when you're 15...David was 22, he was a bit old to be going through 'phases'. As far as I knew, he'd never liked a guy before...this had to be pretty serious... I was suddenly struck by a rare surge of guilt; I shouldn't have seen that. It wasn't my business. David hadn't told anybody - or he hadn't told me at least - so he clearly didn't want me to know, and he'd be mortified if he knew that I'd found out. So I told myself to just forget about it; pretend it never happened and get on with normal life in blissful ignorance of David's true preferences, and carrying on thinking that he was straight. Straight, straight, straight. Straight as a circle. I mean, a square. Rectangle. Cuboid. Something with no curves. But obviously, I couldn't forget. I mean, it was a big deal! A huge deal! And now that I knew, I kept seeings things that I hadn't really noticed or thought anything of before. Like the way he'd hug Pierre more than anyone else...and when he did he'd always seem pretty reluctant let him go, too. His eyes would light up whenever Pierre walked into the room, and he got that same look of slight disappoinment that I'd seen on camera when he left. Whenever he thought no one was looking, his gaze would wander around Pierre's body - mostly his ass. But most of all I noticed the twitch; whenever Pierre said somebody was hot, or hugged one of the other guys, David got this little jealous twitch. It wasn't a spasm or anything, his arms didn't flail out in a wild fit of envy; it was just this little movement in his eye...it was only barely noticeable, but once I saw it, it seemed to grow and get more prominent every time. After a few weeks, I was 100% sure that David was actually falling for Pierre. I was torn; on one hand, I wanted to completely take the piss out of him...I mean, I'm Patrick, I love making fun of people! I was mentally making a list of all the gay jokes I could crack...but I also felt really sorry for him. I knew it must have been a really hard thing for him to deal with; wanting someone you can't have is hard enough, but when it's a guy - and a guy you see every day, a guy who's one of your best friends - that must make it all the more difficult. I could see it taking its toll on him, too...as the weeks went on I could see him getting depressed more and more often. He was still David, obviously, and they don't come much happier than David...but now and again he'd just seem kinda upset. So I just forced myself to shut up. Which was really fucking hard, by the way. I was quite proud of my self-restraint, you know. I really wanted to tell somebody about it, but for David's sake, I kept quiet. That was pretty nice of me, huh? But then it occured to me that maybe I wasn't the only one who knew...just because David hadn't told me didn't mean he hadn't told anyone. The question was, who would he have spoken to about it? Well, it wasn't much of a question, really. It would have been Sebastien. Seb's just, like, the guy you talk to. Everybody always says he's the sweet one of Simple Plan, but that's just because it's true. And if you tell him something, you can be sure he'll never, ever tell anyone else. So I was pretty sure that if David had told anyone, it would have been him. I decided to try and be subtle about it. Subtle isn't exactly my middle name, but I tried. "Hey, Seb?" I said, one afternoon when the other guys weren't around. "What would you do if one of the guys liked one of the other guys, and you found out about it but you couldn't tell anyone?" Yeah. I know. Real subtle. He spun around sharply and stared at me, his eyes full of surprise and suspicion. "You know something, don't you?" he asked slowly. "Maybe," I said. "Do you know something?" "Maybe," he answered. "Well, you obviously do, because you knew that there was something to know," I pointed out. "In that case you obviously do too, because you knew that I knew that there was something to know," he retorted. "So we both know something." "Maybe." "Maybe," I agreed. "Unless...you don't know something but you think there's something to know so you ask me if I know something so that I'll tell you that I know something so that you can know that something too!" he said, pointing at me triumphantly. I just blinked at him. "What?" He blinked back. "I don't know," he admitted. "So, what do you know?" I asked. "That depends," he said, reluctant to disclose any information. "What do you know?" "Well, if we both know something, then that something is probably the same thing," I told him. "Yeah, probably," he agreed. "Does your something involve...one of the guys..." "Liking one of the other guys?" I finished. "As more than a friend?" He nodded, looking incredibly serious. "Yeah." "Kinda weird, isn't it?" I asked, glad that I could finally talk to someone about it. "Kinda," he agreed. "But it's sort of...cute...they'd make a nice couple," he laughed. "Yeah, they would," I said. We sounded like total losers talking about how 'cute' they'd be, but I realised it was true; they would make a pretty nice couple, in a strange way. Pierre and David...there was something about it that just seemed right. Well, it would be if one of them wasn't straight, obviously. "I feel sorry for him." "Me too," Seb sighed. "So how long have you known for?" "Three, four weeks? What about you?" "Quite a while...a few months now. I thought I was the only one he'd told," Seb said, looking slightly confused. I just laughed nervously at that. "Dude, I can't believe how much he likes him..." "Me neither," I agreed. Well, I hadn't actually spoken to David about it, but the way he acted around Pierre made it pretty damn obvious how he felt about him. And I'm heard him admit he wanted him "so fucking bad". "I mean, at first I thought it was just a phase," Seb continued. "But it's been going on for so long...I actually think he's in love with him, man. But I said to him, 'Look, Pierre, I really think you should -'" "What?!" I interrupted, my jaw dropping. "Pierre?" "Yeah, he - what?" Seb gasped, staring at me in horror. "You didn't mean Pierre? Who were you talking about?" "David!" I cried. "David? But - what - David?!" Seb stammered. "Wait - he doesn't like -" "Pierre!" We stared at each other in confusion for a few moments. Maybe our wits had just been numbed by surprise, as it took a while for realisation to sink in. Either that or we're both just really stupid. "So David likes Pierre...and Pierre likes David," Seb said slowly. A grin broke over his face. "Wow," I murmured. "That's...great!" "Yeah, it's awesome!" Seb agreed. "So - what are we gonna do?" "Do you think we should do something?" I asked. "Dude, definitely! Pierre's being such a pussy about this!" Seb exclaimed. "What's David said about it?" "Oh, um - not much," I said, with another nervous laugh. "I'll go and talk to him now," I decided. The sooner we got those two together the sooner I could start cracking gay jokes. Seriously, the list was as long as my arm. "Okay, and I'll talk to Pierre," Seb agreed. And then, in little more than a minute (well, actually it took half an hour - I even had to go and set up some electrical equipment, but it sounds better if I say we thought of it on the spot) we devised a plan; an ingenious plan that would change our lives forever. See, doesn't that sound like a good movie description? You'd go and see that, wouldn't go? As soon as I finish telling you all this I'm writing to Disney, seriously. But anyway... Once our plot was complete, I ran off, eager to find David. That didn't take long; he was at the back of the bus, sitting talking to Jeff. About ducks, oddly enough. The whole duck thing was starting to worry me, but I had no time to think about then. "Jeff, fuck off, I need to talk to David," I said urgently. Yeah, I told you subtle wasn't my middle-name. 'Polite' isn't either. "Oh - okay," Jeff said, rather taken aback by my bluntness. He wandered off elsewhere without further question. 'Wow," I thought. 'Being rude really pays off. I should do it more often.' "What's up?" David asked. I sat down opposite him and looked him right in the eyes. I thought for a moment about how I should approach the subject; then chose the direct option. "You're in love with Pierre," I said bluntly. His eyes widened; his jaw dropped; his face paled. All the classic signs of shock. "What? How do you know?" he gasped. "That's not important," I said quickly. "The important thing is, you have to tell him." "What?! No! I can't!" David exclaimed. "Why not?" I demanded. Then I realised I hadn't told him. "Oh yeah, he likes you too," I added casually. "What!? Seriously? No way. No fucking way!" David gasped. "He does. Seb told me. And stop arguing! Just do it!" I said. I starting hitting him, trying to bully him into moving. And also because it was fun. "No - oww! Patrick - oww, stop it! I can't!" David wailed. "Why not?" "Because..." David broke off, and blushed. He actually blushed. I'd never seen him blush before...this was worse than I thought. "Because...come on, he can't actually like me, not like that...there's no way," he said sadly. "And I wouldn't know what to say..." "I think 'Pierre, fuck me now' would probably work," I said wisely. "No, I can't," he whined. "Look, I know I can never have him, so I've just decided to...ignore it. For the rest of my life." "But he likes you, so you can have him," I said rationally. "So you should go and talk to him." God, it was like explaining accountancy to a six year old. Or David. "No, I can't," he kept mumbling. I'd never seen him act so...well, shy. David wasn't shy. David didn't nervously play with his fingernails as he rambled about how he 'wouldn't know what to say'; he didn't keep blushing a light, warm pink whenever he said Pierre's name; he didn't avoid eye contact with me, frightened that he'd redden even further. But he was doing all those things now. And that's when it hit me. He was acting like a girl. Not just any girl, but a shy, giggly 12-year-old girl. The sort of shy, giggly 12-year-old girl who got a crush on her PE teacher. This is what his love for Pierre had reduced him to: he was acting like a girl. And I know he may wear pink, I know he may like eyeliner, and I'll grant you he screams like one from time to time, but David Desrosiers is no girl. And to be quite frank, his behavior disgusted me. Don't get me wrong: I have nothing against girls. I love girls. Not 12-year-old ones, I'll admit, and of that we are all glad; but I do love girls. However, David was not a girl, and he should not, under any circumstances, be acting like one to the extent he was now. So I slapped him around the head. Hard. "Oww! Patrick! That fucking hurt!" he whined. I paused, and decided it was rather a feminine whine. So I walloped him again. "Oww! Will you fucking-" "Stop acting like a girl! For God's sake man, where are your balls?" I shouted. "In five minutes he will be in the kitchen compartment of this bus. Don't ask how I know this. Just go." "But, Patrick -" "No buts! You get out of here, and you go seduce that son of a bitch! Now!" "But-" "Now! Now!" I roared, pounding the table furiously. I was actually beginning to scare myself with all this shouting, but it worked to the desired effect. David gave a terrified yelp, leapt out of his seat and ran off to the kitchen. Step one of the plan was complete; I gave myself a well-deserved self-five. Have you ever done that? Instead of giving someone else a high five, you give yourself one. I discovered it a while back...it makes you feel extremely satisfied with life. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I just say, "It's okay, Patrick", I give myself a self-five, and everything seems a little bit better. Some could argue that self-fivse are selfish, but seriously, what do we have two hands for if not for self-fives? Anyway, next, I was required in the upstairs compartment of the bus, where Sebastien joined me five minutes later. "It's looking good, dude!" he said happily. "Pierre should get there - what are you doing?" I, at this point, was on the floor, struggling with some cables behind the TV. "Well...I kinda set the camera up downstairs so we could watch," I explained. "What?! Patrick! We can't watch that!" "Why not?" I asked, confused. "Because - it - it's wrong," Seb stammered. "Don't you have any shame?" "Nope," I said happily. "Come on, Seb - this is all our doing! We have every right to invade their privacy and listen in on their private conversation!" "No! I'm not gonna let you!" Seb exclaimed, stepping in front of the TV and crossing his arms decidedly. "Fine," I muttered. "I'll just go and listen outside the door instead, then..." He rolled his eyes. "Okay, you might as well watch it," he sighed, moving away. I grinned, fixed up a few more wires, and stepped back. A picture of David flickeredo onto the screen; he was sitting at the tiny kitchen table, still nervously playing with his hands. For a moment I considered running down there, shouting "Get a grip, man!" at him, and darting back upstairs, but I decided against it. Which was fortunate, as Pierre walked in right then. "Ooh, turn it up," Seb whispered, edging closer to the TV. "Hey," we heard Pierre say, somewhat awkwardly. "Hey," David replied, smiling at him nervously. "Did, um, did Patrick talk to you?" Pierre asked quietly, taking the seat beside David. They were sitting very close together...you could almost feel the sexual tension, even on the TV screen. Seriously, it was great viewing. Better than any soap. "Um, yeah," Pierre mumbled. He went slightly red. They both looked at each other for a moment, then simutaneously looked away. There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. I'd never seen either of them acting so awkwardly. I felt really nervous for them, though I wasn't quite sure why. "So...this is weird," Pierre said lightly. David smiled slightly, and nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Things are never weird with us." Pierre glanced at him; he was clearly trying to decide what to say or do. But he did nothing. It was pretty unbearable; in fact, it was completely fucking unbearable. Even I could see, now they were together, and aware of each others feeling, how much they wanted each other, and neither of them was doing anything about it. Suddenly, David opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted as the door burst open, and Chuck and Jeff walked in. "Get out!" they both screeched. Chuck and Jeff jumped about three feet in the area and pratically leapt back through the door. Seb and I heard footsteps as they came upstairs instead. "What the hell is going on with those two!?" Jeff exclaimed. "We just walked into the kitchen and Pierre and David just -" "Shut up! We're watching something!" I hissed. Chuck squinted at the TV. "Hey, isn't that - what the fuck are you guys doing?!" "Quiet!" Seb barked, scowling at him for a moment before turning his attention from a very confused Chuck back to the TV. They'd moved slightly closer together, but they still weren't talking. Or maybe they were; maybe they had this telepathic connection going on, that they hadn't told us about, and they'd known what had been going on the whole time. Maybe they'd been having a secret affair for months, and were just laughing at us. How could they do that?! We were only trying to help! Talk about ungrate - oh, sorry. I tend to start rambling when I get bored. David was the first to speak. "So - so you - um...like...me?" he said awkwardly. He cringed after he'd said it; and I admit, it wasn't the most articulate or intelligent thing to say. But I was proud of him; I felt like I'd been preparing him for this moment. Except, I hadn't - but I still felt oddly proud of him, for some weird reason. "Um...yeah," Pierre said coyly. There was another silence. "For fuck's sake, Pierre, just make out with him already," Seb mumbled. "What the fuck is going on here?!" Chuck asked, gaping open-mouthed at the TV. "We'll explain later," I assured him. "Though if you try hard enough I'm sure you could work it out. Now shut up." "Patrick! Tell us what's going on! Now!" Jeff ordered. Seb and I turned around and sighed. "Basically, Pierre likes David. He's more or less in love with him," Seb began. "And then I found out that David was more or less in love with Pierre," I added. "So basically...we told each other, and forced them to go and do something about it," Seb concluded. "So - Pierre - and - David...?" Jeff said slowly. "Are gay?" Chuck asked, looking truly bewildered. "Yes, Chuck," I said patronizingly. "That's what we say when a boy loves another boy. Well done. You get a gold star." "But - eh? What?!" Chuck stammered. "Eh?! But - madness!" "That's - so weird," Jeff agreed. "You'll get used to the idea," I assured him. "Now can we can get back to watching our show? I mean, Pierre and David?" Seb and I haughtily turned out attention back to the TV screen, expecting to see Pierre and David sitting there in the same awkward silence, neither of them knowing what to say or do or how to act. Instead, David had climbed onto Pierre's lap, and was kissing him with all the force he could muster. Seriously, I thought he was trying to remould his face with his teeth or something. Not that Pierre was putting any less effort into it; his hands could barely stay still, moving all over David's body so quickly that they became little more than a faint blur of skin. So there we were. Seb, Chuck, Jeff and me. Watching two of our friends make out on a TV screen. And I'm not gonna say it wasn't weird. It was weird as hell. For a moment, there was a stunned silence; I don't think any of us could fully believe what we were seeing. Then Seb and I turned to look at each other slowly...and burst into a round of riotous applause. Soon all four of us were cheering rather loudly - whether Pierre and David genuinely didn't hear, or were just too preocuppied to care I don't know. Either way, they didn't pay any attention to us. "Well done, Seb," I said, shaking his hand. "We did it." "Yep," Seb said happily. "We are true matchmakers." "Y'know, if the whole band thing goes to pot we should start a dating service," I suggested. "Patrick's Pleasureland." "Hey, where's my name in that title?" "Well, I'm just the good-looking frontman," I told him. "You're the brains of the outfit." "Hey, if you guys wanna set me up with someone I'd be much obliged," Chuck added. "Sorry man; some things are just impossible, even for us," I sighed. And we went downstairs to congratulate them - after I'd taken all the wires out from the TV, obviously. They'd probably be pretty pissed off if they knew we'd been watching them. Which is fair enough, really. I only left the camera on once after that - I got some rather disturbing Jeff footage that we won't go into, and that put me off being a candid cameraman for life. That little escapade happened a year ago now, and Pierre and David have been together ever since. It really has been a fairytale ending...they're perfectly happy. They live in a beautiful big house, and have two kids and a dog called Barney. Ha. No, they're still on this tour bus, they don't have any kids - thank God; that'd be pretty damn worrying if they did. And they fight all the freakin' time. But they love each other, and we're all happy for them. So that's the story of how I, the great Patrick, got Pierre and David together. And, much like Moulin Rouge!, it was a story of truth, beauty, freedom and love. Hey...it kinda was! I mean, if they hadn't been truth-ful they never would have got together...and, well, David's the beauty, obviously...um, they feel free now that they're together...or something...and love; well that speaks for itself. And you know what else? Much like Moulin Rouge!, the plot wasn't actually that great. But didn't it make you feel warm and fuzzy anyway? I hope so. Something to tell you grandchildren about, kiddies. And then they'll be all like, "Why are you telling us that? We hate that story! It's so boring!" And then they'll go and play in their spacecars...'cause you know, everything'll be electronic and crazy in the future. Man, I hope I'm still around in like, 50 years. I probably will be; I mean, they're obviously gonna invent drugs to keep you alive til you're 200. Or I could get my head preserved in a jar so I could sit around watching everything until they figured out a way to sort my body out. Anyway, the moral of the story is: use a camera to spy on your friends. It always pays off. And if they find out, blame someone else. Lesson in life from me, the great Patrick. Until next time, kiddies. Bye bye.

finished