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Rainy Days And Fallen Angels by Kyles_bitch69

One Part

The rain pours outside, splattering against my windows. It pounds on the roof, a steady drumming sound. It surrounds me, blocking out everything. I don’t mind the rain. I love it, the way it sounds beating against the roof, the way it trails down the windows like tears down so many faces. It takes my mind off him. But I end up thinking about him anyway. I always do. I can’t stop thinking about him. I haven’t stopped since I met him so long ago. “I love you, Sebastian…” How could he? It was one thing for him to sleep with my best friend. I might not have minded that so much. I’m not going to pretend I was totally faithful to him, because I wasn’t. There was that time with that groupie after a show in New York, then with Billy in Florida. But it was another thing for him to tell my best friend that he loved him. I never told anyone else I loved them. I didn’t. I loved HIM. Always him. Only him. I know I wasn’t supposed to hear it. I know that if I hadn’t, I probably would never have known that it had been said. If I hadn’t heard it, things would be so much different. I might not have left the band. I might not be living in this apartment. I might be in his arms right now. Maybe I should have just pretended that I hadn’t heard it, that I hadn’t seen them together in OUR bed, touching, tasting, doing everything that WE used to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have confronted him about it, just to hear more lies. Maybe I shouldn’t have left him. But then he would go on lying. And I would be lying. I had realized, that moment, when I saw them, in our bed, that everything had been a lie. That it was all an illusion that my love-blinded eyes had refused to see through. And I just couldn’t take any more lies. I was lying. He was lying. Our relationship was worth nothing, it was just one big, goddamn LIE! And I was stupid to ever have believed him. I was stupid to have loved him. I was stupid and naïve. It was all my fault. All this pain was my fault. How could he? Why did he? Wasn’t I enough? I just wanted him to love me. I loved him so much it hurt, even when we were together, even before I knew about the drugs, the prostitutes, before I knew about Sebastian. I just wanted to make him happy. I’d do anything and give everything just to make him happy. But it just wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. He always was restless and ambitious, always wanting to move on to the next big thing after he was bored with the first one. So, in a way, I wasn’t surprised when I found him with Seb. But that didn’t make it any less painful. I died that day. And I died all over again when I said goodbye. And I died yet again when I closed the door of the taxi that took me away from all of them just to get away from him. And I die every time I think of him. Of his smile, of his laugh, of the way he used to look at me, the way he used to touch me, kiss me, make love to me. I die because I know that I wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t good enough. I was stupid to ever think that I was, to get my hopes up that I alone could satisfy him. I was stupid. So incredibly stupid. A knock sounds on my door, and I jump. I never get visitors, and I wasn’t expecting anyone. I wipe the tears away from my eyes, stand up out of my chair and walk to the door. I open it, and suddenly I can’t move. I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, I can’t do anything but stare. He’s standing there. “Hey, David…” He says, unsure. “H…hey…Pierre.” I can barely get the words out. Why is he here? Why now? I don’t want him to be here! Go away! “Um…can I come in?” He asks. I nod. What am I supposed to do? I can’t turn him down. He walks past me into my apartment, looking around, taking in the slight shabbiness of the place. “Nice place you have here.” he says, trying to fill the awkward silence. “Thanks…” I whisper. I can’t talk to him. Every second that he’s here is painful, a burning pain deep in my chest, killing me slowly. I just want to die and get it over with. “David…” he begins, and his quiet mention of my name twists the knife in my heart and sends shivers up my spine. “…David, I…I just came to tell you…I want you to know…how sorry I am, and how much I miss you.” He takes a deep breath, and continues. “I’ve been lost without you. I know that I shouldn’t have slept with Sebastian, what I did was inexcusable. But I just want you know how sorry I am. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” He looks at me, his deep brown eyes glistening with unshed tears. He was always such a convincing liar. “No.” I say softly, than louder. “No! Pierre, I can’t forgive you.” I’m not going to fall for it again. I’m not stupid anymore, Pierre. “You lied! You lied way too much. And you’re lying now! I can tell. You’re not really sorry, you just want me for a quick fuck every now and then! That’s all you wanted me for in the first place!” I sob loudly, tears pouring from my eyes like the rain outside. “No…David, baby, it isn’t like that at all…” He moves to put it arms around me. “No!” I cry, and I shove him away. “Don’t call me that!” He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, speechless. We stand there, the only sounds the rain and my quiet sobs. “David, please…just give me another chance…” he pleads, quietly, almost whispering. “Why should I?” My voice in cold and unfeeling, shaking with tears. “Because I love you.” My breath catches in my throat. Too many times have I heard that pass his lips, and too many times have I believed it. But not this time. “No you don’t.” “I do, believe me, David, I do!” He comes close to me, but this time I don’t move away. He takes my head in his hands, brushing my tears away with his thumbs, looking deep into my eyes, and I can see triumph there. He knows he’s won again. “I really do…” And suddenly his lips are on mine and my first thought is, ‘God, I’ve missed this…’ But I know that it isn’t real. It’s a lie, but I just can’t resist it, I never could. It just feels so good. And I feel myself kissing him back. I know I shouldn’t, I should make him leave, forget that he was ever here…but I can’t, I just can’t. He takes my hands, without breaking away from my mouth, and begins to slowly pull me towards the bedroom… I wake up hours later, naked, in my bed, lying next to him. And I can’t believe it. I gave in to him again. I told myself not to, but I did. I just wanted to believe him so much… Stupid, stupid me. I get up, pull on some pants and make my way out of the bedroom and out my window onto the fire escape. It’s stopped raining now, but the sky is still cold and gray. I lean on the railing, breathing in the damp air, listening to the far off growl of thunder, looking down 6 stories to the alley below. I have to get out of here. I have to go somewhere were there’s no more tears, no more lies, no more Sebastian, no more Pierre. I have to go somewhere where I can be happy. Where I can be free without worrying about anyone hurting me. Somewhere away from the pain. A raindrop plops down on my head, then another and another. Thunder booms above my head. The plink-plink-plink of rain on the fire escape grows steadier as it begins to pour again. I’m getting completely drenched, but I don’t care. I hear the window sliding open behind me. “David, come in. You’re getting soaked,” he calls out to me. And I realize, it’s now or never. And it’s time for me to leave. I climb onto the railing, standing up and steadying myself with a hand on the ladder behind me. “What the…David, what are you doing?” he yells, but his words are lost on me. I’m too far gone already, there’s no going back. Once I have my balance, I let go of the ladder. I look down to the ground, and take a beep breath. I spread my arms like wings to fly away with. He’s shouting, but I don’t care what he’s saying. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing can hurt me now. I whisper a silent ‘goodbye’, so my parents, to my sister, to Sebastian who didn’t know he was doing anything wrong, to Pierre who I love anyway even though he’s done this to me. And I close my eyes and let myself fall. I can hear him jumping out the window, screaming my name, but it’s too late. He can’t reach me. I’m plunging down, the wind rushing in my ears, deafening, the rain smacking my face, the pavement, my salvation, rushing up to meet me. And then it’s over. And the rain pours down on my little broken body, washing my blood down the storm drain. ******************** And I cried for man I took for granted, the man I lied to, the man I abused, the man I never really loved, the man who loved me no matter what kinds of torture I put him through, the man I pushed off a fire escape on a rainy afternoon in the middle of March. The beautiful boy who I never deserved.

finished