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A Ragged Clown's Song by Makoto Sagara

One Part

Title: A Ragged Clown's Song Author: Makoto Sagara Archive: fanfiction.net, foreverfandom.net, afallenangel.net/makotosagara/frames/fanfiction.html, sailorsandco.crosswinds.net/gundamwing/fanfiction/fanfiction.html Category: Angst Pairing: 3+2 Warnings: shonen ai, angst, violence, confuzzlement, OOC, Trowa POV Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing. Some amasingly rich Japanese companies hold that honour. *pouts* Also, I don't own anything that has to do with Bob Dylan's 'Mr. Tambourine Man'. Mr. Dylan would hold that honour. *drops to knees and praises Bob Dylan* A/N: This is an odd thing for me. I don't normally write 3+ anyone but Quatre, but listening to this song made me think of not only Trowa, but Duo as well, and the muses would not let it drop. Also, please excuse my strange trip into British English spelling. It's a phase, I'm sure... But one cannot be too sure nowadays. ~_^ Dedication: To my lovely Stacy. Happy Birthday, and you finally got one of these out of me. No more odd requests. *hops off to work on a nice 5+2 now* Symbols: *blah* emphasised word *~*~* Major change of scene *~~~* Minor change of scene *~+~* Flashback begin/end *~#~* Dream sequence begin/end /blah/ Thoughts //blah// Trowa's Id, or subconscious +blah+ song lyrics A Ragged Clown's Song Weary and broken from his latest mission, Trowa collapsed onto his bunk at the circus where Cathy and the others were set up. He closed his tired eyes, but sleep eluded him. The only thing that kept him from sleeping wasn't really a thing. It was a person, but not just any person. It was Duo Maxwell, with his glittering violet eyes, long chestnut braid, and a smile constantly plastered across his face. Sighing, and giving up any hope of sleep, he let his mind wander back to the mission, where he had last seen the boy. +Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me+ +I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to+ +Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me+ +In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.+ *~+~+~+~* "Hey, Tro, think you could move your butt? We need some help here!" Duo's deep baritone yelled over the comm link, snapping the brunet's attention from the recently defeated Tauruses in front of Heavyarms. Moving the massive Gundam, Trowa jumped in the middle of the huge mess of Sandrock, Deathscythe Hell, and the over fifty Leos, Arieses, and Tauruses. He knew he was nearly out of ammunition, and had a choice. He could either use whatever ammo he had left, or he could drop the empty gun in the right hand of his Gundam, and snap out his hidden blade. Not wasting another moment, the gun hit the ground, but before the blade could be placed into position, an OZ solider *with a brain* starting shooting at Heavyarms, knocking Trowa -Gundam and all- back. "Wow, someone finally got the upper hand on Tro, Q. Think I should help him out?" Duo asked, and Trowa could all but see the manic grin that was more than likely gracing the boy's face. "Yes, Duo. I think we should offer some assistance to our friend," the blond's voice quipped back. "Great," Duo said, and soon, a huge black and red streak could be seen, followed by a sickly green. Trowa watched as the OZ suits closest to the self-proclaimed 'Shinigami' were sliced in half and burst into flames, the wreckage hitting the ground with a dull 'thud'. "You needed my help?" Trowa asked, keeping his voice leveled, but he knew that he was impressed in the other's handling of the thermal scythe that Deathscythe carried. Duo's face flashed on Heavyarms' internal screen. "Always," he said, winking. "Now, you think you could stand up, Bang Boy, and lend a hand? In case you hadn't noticed, there are still about forty enemy suits around us." Trowa ignored the leap his mind took when he saw Duo's wink, and roughly heaved Heavyarms up off the ground, sliding his blade into attack position. He had no sooner stood when a Leo jumped at him. Not wanting a repeat of the last time, Trowa brought the right arm of the Gundam up, slicing the Leo into a few pieces as he opened the guns on the shoulders. He shot the last of his weaponry into the fray, and when the dust and smoke cleared, the only suits still standing were the three Gundams. Surrounding them, enemy suits were in flames, smouldering, or otherwise thoroughly destroyed. There would be no survivors to run back to Khushrenada or Une to tell them about the defeat the trained soldiers had suffered at the hands of the three teenage boys that piloted the Gundams. "Well, I have to go back to the Maguanacs," Quatre said, his blond head and blue eyes showing up on the screen in Trowa's cockpit. "You both are welcome to join me, if you wish." "Nah, no thanks, Q-ball. I gotta go see how Howard is doing. Besides, he's gonna have to fix my left knee joint. I think it over-heated," Duo said as his face also appeared on the screen, splitting it in half. "Trowa?" Quatre asked, and the green-eyed boy could see the hope and eagerness that stood out on every feature of the other boy's face. "No. I have to go back to the circus," he said, cutting the comm link, and walked away. *~~~~~~~* Trowa stowed Heavyarms in a dense forest not far from the circus grounds, and looked around the desolate ruins of what had been a beautiful city, but that was before he was born, and all he could remember was the damage and wreckage that the Alliance brought wherever they touched. He walked out of the forest, seeing no one around, and felt a sense of sorrow at the fact that he was alone for the first time in weeks. While he found comfort in his solitude, he had grown accustomed to the incessant chatter of the Deathscythe pilot, the few times of quiet acquiesce with Wing's pilot, and the precious few moments of exploring his inner musician with the small Arab, who piloted Sandrock. He was utterly alone for a moment, and found he was not happy with it. A sudden sense of weariness hit him, as he recognized the signs of an after-battle fatigue. He knew that all he had to do was walk the hundred or so yards to the circus, where Catherine would drag him to her trailer to eat and sleep, until the morning came. Then they would practice her new act, and he would be home with his cats. And yet, his feet felt as if they were made out of lead, and he found it difficult to move from his current position. +Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand+ +Vanished from my hand+ +Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping+ +My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet+ +I have no one to meet+ +And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.+ He was missing something... Or someone, to be more exact. The sensation was foreign, unwelcome, and distracting. He was in the middle of a war. This was *not* the time to grow emotional attachments to anything. Especially not when it could be taken away from him in the blink of an eye. //What about Catherine?// a voice from the back of his mind whispered. /What about her?/ Trowa asked. //You are rather attached to her, are you not?// /...You're point being?/ //What is it to you that you are becoming attached to Duo?// /...I can't... I just can't./ //Yes you can. It's rather easy. Just admit that you find him attractive. That when he winks, smiles, moves, breathes, you fight the urge to drag him somewhere and fuck him senseless,// the voice said, becoming rather snippy. /.../ //What? Do you not like the truth in all its ugly forwardness?// /That was rather uncalled for. And crude./ He felt the voice shrug. //The truth is rarely pretty. You'll find that out soon enough,// it replied, sounding as if it were fading away. Taking a deep breath, Trowa stood straight and began the march to the one place he was sure there was someone who would care for him as much as was acceptable. *~+~+~+~* Slowly, Trowa's mind stopped thinking as he laid on the bunk, and eventually, he was sleeping fitfully. *~#~#~#~* He was hyper-aware of his surroundings. Everything looked normal, except for the fact that the colors were off. The sky was yellow. The grass he was standing on was black. The wind that blew across the lonely plane he stood in was bitterly cold, but everything else made him think of the summer months. He watched as the blue sun rose higher in the yellow sky, and jumped as an unfamiliar sound caught his attention. To the east, he saw a strange and foreign shape. If he was asked to describe it later, the only thing he would be able to say is that it resembled a circus big top, except the noises coming from it were not normal. Trowa involuntarily shuddered as his mind raced to name them, but found that there was nothing in his vocabulary adequate enough. Cautiously, he made his way across the vast oddly colored field, feeling the small hairs on his neck raise as he grew nearer to the flimsy structure. The noises... screams really... grew louder and louder the closer he got to the massive cloth tent. He paused in front of the gaping dark hole that was the opening, and tried to steel himself to enter with the screams that were now raising goose bumps over his flesh. Taking a deep breath, Trowa stepped into the tent and was surprised that the area inside was silent. He tried to ignore the sense of apprehension that hit him full force as he walked farther inside the dark structure. His attention was caught by a faint light off to his left side, appearing to come from the relative middle of the open space. He tentatively stepped to the area that lit up as soon as he entered the center ring. There he saw... himself... but it wasn't himself at the same time. Off to the right side of the cold boy in front of him was a small child playing with a cat, ignoring those around him. To the left, there was... Trowa felt his blood boil and freeze as he recognised the lithe body, long tempting chestnut braid, and gleaming violet-blue eyes. It was Duo. He started to move towards Duo to talk to him, but a cold, lifeless voice stopped him. "I wouldn't do that." Trowa turned to face the direction the voice had come from, and saw the look alike frowning at him. "Who are you?" he whispered, unsure if he could trust anything he saw there, except for Duo, who was dancing to some unknown beat. "Where am I? What is this place?" "I am you. You are you. He is you," the other pointed to the small child to his left. "He is your greatest desire, and greatest fear." He pointed to Duo. "Fear?" Trowa asked quietly. /What do I have to fear from Duo? He is my comrade./ "Yes, but he symbolises all that you are not, never will be, and yearn to be. See the pedestal you've place him on." The 'other' Trowa lifted his arm in a jerking motion to where the dancing boy was. The 'real' Trowa turned to see the object of his secret affections raised several hundred feet on a thin pole, still dancing provocatively, even as his feet slipped every so often. "I did *not* place him there," Trowa nearly yelled, worried that his friend would fall and hurt himself. "But you did... And there he will stay, until he comes crashing down at your feet," the cold voiced boy stated, eyes resembling two green icebergs in his face. "What about the other?" Trowa asked, while pointing to the child who had let his cat get away from him. "What is he?" "He is you, as I have said. He symbolises innocence lost and regained and lost again." "That doesn't answer my question!" "Calm down. Speak to him, if you must. He will answer you truthfully. He still has a child's guilelessness about him. Although, you may find more than you expected." Trowa reined in his anger, and marched stiffly towards the small brown-haired boy, who sat on the ground, a smile making his face lit up eerily. "Hello, Nanashi, Trowa, or whatever it is you call us," the small boy said, his speech marred only by a slight lisp. "Hello..." Trowa trailed off as he searched for something to call his younger form. /What can I call him?/ "I like my real name," the little boy said, giggling as if he had a secret. "And what is that?" He asked, raising his one visible eyebrow. The little boy stood up, and walked over until he was face to hip with Trowa, placed a finger over his lips, and whispered loudly, "Triton." The name made some part of Trowa's inner self rebel against the usage of his purloined name, but he ignored it. "Triton?" he rasped. "Yep. That's what Mummy, Daddy and Sis called me... Before the bad men hurt us, and they took me away." "Who is your sister?" Trowa asked, afraid of the answer. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Won't tell you!" the little boy raged, pounding his tiny fists on the long legs in front of him before running off. The Heavyarms pilot took after the boy, but suddenly, every nerve in his body froze, leaving a hallow feeling in the pit of his stomach. The light in the tent changed, showing it was actually a large open, three-walled room, and Trowa was close to the edge of a cliff, with little Triton standing over the empty air. "No! Not telling! You're a *bad* man. Go AWAY!" the child yelled, taking off, running across the void of the space between them. "What the hell is this place?" Trowa murmured. "This is you, as I have stated before." /Great,/ Trowa thought sarcastically. /Cold voice is back again./ "I am you as well. I am the part that is willing to betray everything for nothing," the voice stated. "I am *not* like that!" "You are, and you have no qualms about hurting others around you to accomplish your mission." /The mission.../ "Yes, the mission. You and Heero are not so different, are you? The only thing that saved you from self-detonating was Catherine... She cares for you as if you were family. Does that not worry you?" /Yes... No... I'm... I'm not sure.../ The light disappeared, and Trowa found himself back in the circus tent, with Duo still there, the lone spot light illuminating his lithe figure and his unusually bright eyes. "What do you feel when you see 02?" the cold Trowa asked. "I... I don't know." "Trowa," Duo called, bringing a heat to Trowa's frozen skin. "Come here." Not sure of what he was doing, Trowa walked slowly towards the impish creature in front of him, the sound of his boots reverberating throughout the cold and empty space. His eyes clouded over as he got closer, and when he blinked, Duo was gone. He blinked again to get his bearings settled. He opened his eyes slowly, and found himself out in the surreal field, the blue sun setting in the yellow and white tinged sky, the black grass bending in the bitterly cold wind that still blew. Some strange shadow passed in front of his eyes, and he quickly shoved the image in the back of his mind, walking as far away from the madhouse that he had just left, the sounds returning full force and making his skin crawl. +Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship+ +My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip+ +My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels+ +To be wanderin+' +I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade+ +Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way+ +I promise to go under it.+ *~#~#~#~* Trowa bolted straight up from his bunk, sweat dripping down his face, hair plastered to his forehead, and his pulse racing. The disturbing dream drifted hazily through his mind, the minor details dying as he pondered the message behind the symbols and words that his other self used. 'I am you. You are you. He is you. He is your greatest desire. And greatest fear.' /What in the world does that *really* mean?/ "Trowa? Is everything alright in there?" Cathy called out. "Yes," Trowa said quietly. "Great. We have practice in about an hour. Better get ready," she said affectionately, even though Trowa still could not see her. He listened intently as her footfalls died away, and slowly slid out of the uncomfortable bed. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The time passed achingly slow for Trowa. He was rather bored, almost stiff a few times, the whole time he was at the circus. Only the nights where he and Catherine preformed broke the monotony of the practices, cleaning, and too much time to think. He secretly wished that Doktor S would send him a mission, or that he was truly anywhere but there. Anywhere with Duo, maybe. The sound of Duo's laughter. The thought of the American's voice... Everything about the braided boy sent small shivers up and down Trowa's spine. He knew that the other boy was free with his smiles, laughter, incessant chatter, and easy banter. He knew that Duo meant nothing by it really, but every time Duo directed it towards the banged teen, a pang of loneliness and longing struck Trowa to the point of it almost becoming physical. There was something about the other pilot that made Trowa think of something comforting and vague. The more time he spent with Deathscythe's pilot, the more he was sure of it, and yet, what it was escaped him with no reprieve. He secretly detested the fact that Duo left him so open, causing the blond Arab to cast curious looks at him when he had said nothing. Joint missions had become harder and harder for Trowa to work with. He was becoming as distant as Wufei was originally. Ever since he had regained his memory from the battle with Quatre in outer space, he had found himself feeling... For lack of a better word, he felt hollow. Empty. Incomplete. Unfinished. And ragged beyond repair. He really was starting to hate that feeling. The last mission had been no different. When Duo and Deathscythe had left Quatre and Trowa on the battlefield, Trowa resisted the urge to follow to see exactly where the American was going. The small, quiet voice in his mind told him that if he did, he would have to explain why he had, and that was not an option at the time, if ever. He headed straight to the circus on L3 to be with Cathy, but a part of him *sincerely* wished he had followed Death as his shadow. And yet, there he sat, at the circus, humming snips of music he had heard blaring from Duo's stereo. +Though you might hear laughin', spinnin' swingin' madly across the sun+ +It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run+ +And but for the sky there are no fences facin+' +And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme+ +To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind+ +I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you're+ +Seein' that he's chasing.+ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The wars passed, and the boys prevailed over evil - OZ, Romefeller, the Alliance, White Fang, and Mariemaia's Army. Relena became Foreign Vice Minister, and acted as a liaison between the colonies and Earth to maintain the peace they had obtained. Quatre went to become CEO of WEI. Heero disappeared. Wufei became a Preventer for Une. Duo went back to L2 to work with Hilde at her scrap yard... And Trowa... well, he stayed with the circus troupe. He had no where else he could really go. The nights were just as long and lonely as they had been before. Trowa found himself often fighting against his own subconscious about where he was. Some part of him thought that he should be with at least one of his friends. One in particular, but he ignored the voice with such excuses as Cathy needed him, or he couldn't leave the circus without someone to take care of the animals. He knew these were weak reasons to stay, but he really had no idea where he would go if he chose to leave. To his surprise, one afternoon Catherine came running from the ring master's trailer with a huge grin on her face. "Trowa! TROWA!" she yelled, running full tilt in the banged boy's direction. "Cathy?" he asked, masking his surprise by raising an eyebrow. "We're going down to Earth for the first time since the wars ended. Isn't that great?" she all but chirped, her brown hair bouncing as she moved. "Where on Earth?" Trowa felt a cold sweat start to drip down his back. "We're doing a whole tour of Earth, starting with Old America first. I think that the master said something about old LA was our first stop." Cathy stopped and took a look at Trowa's face, for the first time actually seeing it. He was a silent as a rock. "Aren't you excited, Trowa?" "It sounds promising. When do we leave?" "In a week, so get ready." Cathy was still bouncing, even though Trowa felt an icy grip on his stomach. "Thank you," he said before turning and walking towards the lion cages. /The last thing I heard about Duo was from Quatre, and he said that the American was in old LA for a while. Of all the luck.../ he thought wryly as he started to clean the large cats. *~~~~~~~* Trowa found himself standing on the beach as a cool wind blew across the sands and cold waves. The sky was clear with every star and the colonies visible from where he stood. He watched as the large pleasure boats cruised up and down the dark coast, letting his mind drift away from him. "Trowa?" an old, familiar, and soothing voice called. Trowa froze to the spot he was standing. "Duo..." he whispered, unsure if it was his imagination. "Yeah. I... uh... I heard that the circus was gonna be in town... and I ran into Cathy. She said you'd probably be out at the beach... So, here I am..." Duo trailed off, his voice seeming to be nervous about something. Trowa's throat was dry, and subsequently, he found it hard to breathe, let alone talk. He felt a bead of sweat roll down his forehead, despite the cool breeze playing with his bangs. He finally turned to face the newcomer, and the scene before him made his heart race. Duo was dressed in light brown khakis, a white button-down shirt opened to reveal a nicely developed chest, and a black leather jacket. His usual braid hung well past his rear, almost touching the back of his knees. The wind was blowing his bangs out of his bright violet-blue eyes, which he could see perfectly, despite the time of night. "Trowa?" Duo asked, his voice bringing the other's attention back to the real moment. "Yes... It's nice to see you again, Duo," Trowa said, his voice hoarse from lack of moisture. "Yeah... So, are you busy right now?" "I should probably head back to the circus. We have practice in the morning, and a performance tomorrow evening," he said, wishing to forget his obligations to everyone but himself at that moment. Duo looked at the slender gold watch on his wrist. "Hate to break it to you, Tro, but it's morning already." He laughed as Trowa's visible eye widened. "It's not *that* late, Tro. It's just a few minutes after midnight," he replied, stifling his chuckles. Trowa relaxed a bit. "Thank you." "No problem, buddy. So, um, I should let you go if you are gonna get back to the circus before Cathy has a cow." Duo turned to leave, and that's when Trowa sprung into action, carefully grabbing one of Duo's hands before he left. "Come tomorrow night?" he asked, nervous over his impulsive behaviour, and how Duo would react. He looked up to see Duo's eye smile warmly and a grin crossed the American's perfect heart-shaped face. "'Course. See ya then, T." "Until then, Duo," he said, dropping the other's wrist, and watched as the American left him alone on the deserted beach. +Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind+ +Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves+ +The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach+ +Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow+ +Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free+ +Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands+ +With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves+ +Let me forget about today until tomorrow.+ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The next day passed in a large blur for Trowa. He did his routine automatically, mind lost to the memory of the night before, and the sight Duo made on the beach with him. Catherine questioned him a few times about what happened last night after Duo left, but Trowa told her that they had talked. Soon, it was time for his and Cathy's act, and Trowa felt nervous. He looked out into the crowd, and was rewarded with the flash of a long chestnut braid whipping around as a vendor came around offering sweets and peanuts. Trowa took a deep breath, and looked at Catherine as the ring master called out their act and the crowd exploded into applause. "Ready?" Catherine whispered. Not trusting his voice, Trowa nodded and followed her out into the center ring. Two minutes later, they were done, and Trowa jumped off the board unscathed. The crowd roared in appreciation for the skill of both performers as they bowed. As Trowa stood up from his low bow, he saw a lithe form leave the front row and make its way swiftly to the exit. Heart falling into the region of his stomach, Trowa numbly took Catherine's hand as they headed into the 'backstage' area. He swept his eyes across the crowded, bustling area, but saw nothing but fellow performers running around at the last moment. Silently, he dropped Cathy's hand, and removed the half-smiling clown's mask from his face. "Ah, now there's the Tro I know," Duo said, moving from the shadows near the flap that acted as a back entrance of the tent. "So, Clown Boy, ready to head out?" "Where are we going?" Trowa felt apprehensive at the playful tone in Duo's voice. "I thought we'd go back to the beach to talk. It's another clear night, and there won't be too many of those in a bit," Duo said, voice serious. "Besides, the moon on the waves is great." Trowa found himself smiling as he followed his friend out of tent, the chorus of one of Duo's favorite songs coming to mind as they walked. "Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you." Fin.

finished